ALLjAWCj HERALD, THURSDAY, AUGUST 80, 1917
Charley Chaplin's Comic Capers
Had Water On The Brain
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TELEPHONE THREE-FOUR-OUGHT
HERALD
(BLA9
Do you want to
Buy a dog?
Rent a house?
-Find a ring?
Sell a boat?
Trade horses?
Hire a cook?
Secure a position?
1 If your want is worth
wanting, it is worth
spending a few cents in
these columns.
For Rent
FURNISHED ROOM FOR RENT
Lady preferred. 308 Big Horn
venue 38-tf-8517
FURNls1lF3r"ROO!OoT7
gentleman. Modern, private home.
Phone 175. 408 Sweetwater Ave.
IO-tf-8446
For Sale
HIGH (HtADE second-hand auto-
ftt . .,
luuuue i or nh cneap. zticoiai mz
Son. 37-tf
FOR HALF. Re-cleaned seed wheat
12.00 per bUBhel. Rye $1.60 per
buBhel.
J. A. KEEGAN.
38-tf-8554.
Boil, fonced. The price la low, on
easy terms. Owner will show the
land. Address Box 8487 i-o Alli
ance Herald, for full information, or
call at Herald office.
35-41-8467
Five Cents per Line Count Six
Words to a Line
No Advertisement taken for Less
Than 15c
For Sale, or will
Trade for Farm
A practically new H ART-FA RR
OIL TRACTOR: 40 on the belt, 27
draw bar.
"Money Maker" Thresher, 29 Spec
ial by 48.
Oliver No. 6. 6 -bottom 14-inch En
gine Gang Plow.
This is a bargain if taken at once.
Write G. W. Little, Box 4th Ave.
35th St., Council Bluffs, Iowa.
FOR SALE Oood section of land!
Located ten miles southeast of Bing
ham, Nebraska. Price only $4 500.
Address or see Louise Harp, Bing
ham. Nebraska, for particulars.
38-lt-9515$
Wanted
FOR SALE High grade typewrit
er carbon paper. The kind that gives
you a clear duplicate. The Alliance
Herald. Phoue 340.
lass, high-grade automobile for sale
cheap. Used but in excellent condi
tion. Nicolal son. 37-tf
FOR SALE House, Ave rooms
ml bath, on Big Horn. Address
Box 8542, care Alliance Herald.
37-tf-8542
FOR SALf AT EXEcljTOlTs
SALE Two residence properties lo
cated as' follows: Lots five and six
iu block six, Wyoming addition to
City of Alliance. The residences are
composed of three and five rooms.
These residence properties must be
"sold. Inquire of L. A. Berry, Room
'). Rumer Block, Alliance. Nebraska.
Phone 9. 8287-23-tf
FOR SALE Typewriter ribbons
for all makes o typewriters. Type
writer and pencil carbon papers.
Typewriter paper and second sheets.
Herald Publishing Co. Phone 34 0.
"TATSonFolsTLC Th
ilnest land in Box Butte county. Ev
ery foot can be plowed. Level. Four
quarter-sections. 640 acres, in two
tracts of 320 acres Ms). Located
west of Hemingford. One tract has
wind mill and good well. Excellent
WANTED Man and wife to work
on ranch. Permanent place If you
suit. C. E. Clough, P. O. Box 104 7.
34-H-8462
WANTED For office work. A
capable young lady who can keep a
simple Bet of books, whose penman
ship is good, who can operate a type
writer with proficiency (shorthand
not necessary) and who cau handle
collections and other outside work
of that nature. Position is perman
ent to a capable person. Address
Box 4231, care Alliance Herald, giv
ing full particulars, or phone 340.
37- tf-4231
WANTED To drive with party
by auto from Alliance to Denver
about . September 1st. Will either
pay my share of the expense or will
drive the car. B. Domarian. 421
West Third St., Alliance.
38- 21-8549
Lost and Found
FOUND Rim holder and nut
from Stanweld automobile demount
able rim. Owner may have same by
calling at Herald office and payinK
I for this ad. 37-tf-8503
I TONSWTtHPkEY amTa
I bunch of keys. Owner may have
1 same by calling at The Herald of
' il e, identifying the keys, and pay
ling the cost of this want ad. HER
ALD PUBLISHING COMPANY.
34-tf-8469
LOST An automobile crank for a
Crow-Elkhart auto. On Alliance
street. Reasonable reward for re
turn to The Herald office.
38-tf-8516.
LOST Auto casing, inner tube
and rim complete. Size 32x3
inches. United Slates make, smooth
tread, between Alliance and Hay
Springs. Suitable reward for recov
ery. Return to Rumer Motor Com
pany. Alliance, or W. H. Bell, owner,
Gordon, Nebraska. 37-4t-8510$
ere's no false
modesty about this
want ad page.
No legitimate propo
sition need hesitate to
launch forth to find a
response.
JNeed not even sign
your name u: address.
This office receives and
holds replies for you,
LOST. STRAYED OR STOLEN
Three head of cows,, branded O over
S on left hip, and one red cow brand
ed M on hip; also three head of
calves with no brands. A good re
ward will be paid for any informa
tion leading to their recovery. Ad
dress any information to O. R. Rob
erts, Lewellen, Nebraska.
34-tf-8472
FOUND A casting, evidently pan
of a tractor or other large piece of
farm machinery, on road leading to
Alliance, by members of The Her
ald force. This casting is evidently
badly needod by someone and any
one knowing to whom It belongs will
confer a favor on the owner by ad
vising him that it Is at The Herald
office, where it can be secured by
calling for it and paying the costs of
the insertion of this want ad. HER
ALD PUBLISHING COMPANY.
34-tf-8471
Miscellaneous
Calling cards lor the ladle ar
printed promptly and neatly at Th
Herald office. The prices are reas
onable. Phone 340 for samples an
prlcev or call at the office
MOVE FURNITURE SAFELY
We have equipped our dray wag
ons and auto truck with the latest
appliances for moving furniture
without marring or scratching or do
ing damage. Up-to-date wagon pads
will be used by us on all moving
Jobs. JOHN R. SNYDER. Phone 16
37-tf-5950
The Government needs Farmers us
well as Fighters. Two million three
hundred thousand acres of Oregon
and California Railroad Co. Grant
Lands. Title revested in United
States To be opened for homesteads
and sale. Containing some of best
land left in United States. Large
Copyrighted Map, showing land by
sections and description of soil, cli
mate, rainfall, elevations, tempera
ture, etc. Postpaid. One Dollar.
Grant Lands Locating Co. Box 610,
Portland. Oregon. ' 31-13t-8446
"IF THE HHOK FITS YOU
THEN WEAR IT"
By
ADAM LIAR
Why Not Barber Potea?
To use the words of Harry Jolson
and by special permission of the
Board of Health and the approval of
the National Board of Sonseless
shlp, I will introduce to you this
day for the first time in Alliance a
brand-new ballad, entitled, "As Long
as the Girls Wear Red, White and
Blue Stockings. I'll Stand by. the
Flag."
o
A i;al Fine Point
We were discussing the proposi
tion of advertising when he admitted
that he secured his wife through an
advertiBement. I said, "Then o
must admit that it pays to adver
tise." He said, "Well. I'll admit it
gets results."
o
Didn't "Try It ou the Dog"
One of my friends, who helps me
frequently with dope for this col
umn, demands that I "take a shot"
at the woman who hailed an Alliance
man one morning quite recently as
he was coming down to work in his
new 1918 model. Yes, she hailed
him. He Btopped. She climbed in
to the car and into the seat beside
him. Then she pulled out a tooth
brush and began to polish her tusks,
meanwhile entertaining the driver
with a choice line of the latest gos
sip much of which was garnered
from this column. That was sure
tough, old boy, but maybe she fig
ured it was "better late than never,"
and I'll say It would have been
much more unusual if she had mani
cured your teeth instead of her own.
A Strong Su(o)u
Homebody called them
Exemption glasses,
Hut he was wrong. ,
He didn't have it
Figured out right.
Yew, these awfully
Hot, sunshiny days
In Alliance this summer
Have been partly
To blame.
Did you know that
The oculists have all
Heen busy this summer
Furnishing smoked glasses
To the young chaps, and
Home of tiie old ones, too.
Hmoked glasses and
Transparent C-more skirts
Are both mighty popular
With the opposite sexes.
For, ss one of the
IL A. B.'s said, "It is hard
To look directly at
The sun for long
Periods." So he
(ot some glasses.
Yea, sir.
. How Did He Know?
There were three of us in the
crowd. You know just three will
make a crowd and a big one some
t. nmes Well, we were standing on
the corner up on unpaved Box Butte
where East Third runs. Into it and
where automobiles connect with the
dummy copper or rather, where
they used to until that man from An
tkoch ran into the thing and laid it
out. Anyway, she went tripping by.
One said, "They tell me she is quite
an artist " I said, "Really?" Then
the third In the party remarked,
"Yes, sir, she can draw more flies."
Feed Him Anyway
When she told her husband that
owing to the war she was going to
give him one beefleBS day a week. He
said he wished he could believe it,
but as sho'd been beefing to him
about something every day since they
were married, he guessed she could
n't cut It out now. even for one day.
Hut They Like It
But talking about beef makes me
think of something raw, and talking
of something raw calls to mind what
they told me he said about this col
umn. He dropped into the news
stand looking for a sight. They com
plimented him on his sight and he
admitted it was pretty good. Then
someone said A da ru Liar was getting
off some hot stuff these days. His
face colored up and he said, "Yes, the old fences;
but some of It is terribly raw." Then And where'er he travels the fighting
commences.
And now he Is premier, succeeding
1 Lvoff,
And wields as much nower as Nick
Romanoff.
He's Poo Bah of Russia and holds
erery post:
They toast him serenely, for he is
some host.
He's doing more work than fifteen
common mensky.
'Twould be "taps" for Russia with
out M. Kerensky
I.LjT Column
For the Dentist' Sake
New Dentist (in Froten Dog)
Will you take gas?
Broncho Bill Will it hurt much if
I don't r
New Dentist It will.
Broncho Bill Then, stranger, M
your sake I reckon I'd better take
U7T elumn
The Game Was Just Hejrun
They arrived hurriedly at the fifth
inning.
"What's the score, Jim?" he asked
a fan.
"Nothing to nothing," was the re
Ply. "Oh, goody!" she exclaimed. "We
haven't missed a thing!"
Ufjd'a olumn
Just Paging the Pup
A bellhop passed through the hall
of the hotel whistling loudly. "Young
man," said the manager Bternly, "you
should know that it is against the
rules of this hotel for an employee to
whistle while on duty." "I am not
whistling, sir." replied the boy. "I'm
paging Mrs. Jones' dog."
1.1o4' Column
The Mining Bus4new
"Well, Rastus, I hear you are work
ing again. What business are you
engaged in?"
'"I'Bfl done be engaged in de min
ing business sub."
"What kind of mining are you do
ing, gold, silver or diamond?"
"1'se doing kalBominlng, sab."
I.lnn" Column
The Crooked World
Said the teacher to the little He-
"Ikey is the world fiat or
he went out to cook the mutton.
o
Well Informed
"I understand his wife has mon
ey."
"He understands it, also."
O'
A Slumber Poem?
A number of Alliance people have
"moderinlzed" their homes this sum
mer by the addition of sleeping porch
os and other fadB of that nature
among them being The Herald's edi
tor (he'll probably raise the d tok
ens with me for telling this). I hap
pened down to his place the other
morning. ! guess that he thought
he was alone, anyway he was recit
ing poetry in a mournful, tuneful
tone. I am not much good at poet
ry, but as near as I can remomber
his slumber poem wont like this:
I like to s noose on the sleeping porch
Where the wind can blow my nose,
And the crickets come to warble some
And the bugs to bite my toes.
Oh, I used to cling to that cosy couch
Till the wane of the paling stars,
But now I can snore no more at four
My neighbors have oil bought cars.
Prompt with the primal shaft of light
A do7.en doors are slammed,
And the owners proud, comment loud
On their benzine buggies damned.
Then they wind 'em up till the engine
start
To snozzle and sneeze and Biiort,
And I bury my head beneath the bed
It's a grand little indoor sport!
I'm a peaceful guy, but I'm planning
now
To parley with Old Doc Mars.
And get me a gun for ev'y one
Of my neighbors who purchased
cars,
For all they do in the early hours
Is play with the peaky things.
An automobile is a joy a-wheel
But the oriole sweeter sings!
Honest About It
It is said that in the midst of the
recent draft examination one young
man blurted out, when he was asked
if there was anything he knew of brew boy:
wrong with him physically, "H --, round?
no. I'm all right, only cold feet." "It ain't needer vun, teacher," said
o Ikey.
All Hall the Chits! "But what is it, Ikey." asked the
Miss Helen Damnation, not a perm teacher in surprise, "lr it neither
ament resident of Alliance, smoked ' round nor flat?"
a cigarette in public on unpaved Box
Butte avenuet Wednesday evening
and thereby fell into the (official)
care of Chief of Police George Sny
der. But Helen didn't care and
"Veil," said Ikey with conviction)
"mine fader he says it vos crooked."
I.la"a olumn
A Pleasant Prospect
The barber was finishing lathering
and even when being escorted to the a customer, and was talking volubly
mmmmm mIi m . r A In t I... ...... . ..i... t
. uiiiuii d naiu ill luv- VII BUv ' an UBUKI.
continued to puff and embarrassed "Yes, Blr." he said; "we have to
tne cniei Dy mowing rings unaer nis mind whai we're about here. Every
nose.
When brought before Police Magis
trate Roberts she touchingly confid
ed, "I work every day. honey bunch."
But when she saw the judge blush
at her rerms endearment she apolo
gized thusly: "I didn't mean to call
time we cut a customer's face we are
fined a 'tanuer,' and it we make an
ugly gash it costs us a boh,!"
Then, picking up and brandishing
NMOr, he added: "But I don't care
u hang today. I've just won a 'quid.'
you honey-bunch. It was my ignur-! Nalesnianahrp
ance that made me say that, dearie, j Moses kept a second-hand clothes
Listen dear " shop. and on leaving it in charge of
"Now, said the judge, assuming his son Ikey during the dinner hour
his sternest and most judicial mien, .imparted to him the fact that on the
"you listen to me. You arc to leave price ticket one dot represented one
town on the first train out. The dollar, two dots two dollars, and so
complaint against you will be dts- on. Reutrning, Moses, inquiredof
missed if you will favor us by depart- ,hls son:
ing hence to other parts." j "Haf yo h id any customers, Ikey,
"Gladly I will go, dearie." she ans- yat ?
wered the judge as she swap ten I "Yes, Kad r. I have sold d" gray
from the court room and blew a kiss coat and veal for eight dollars.''
this time at the chief who again "Veil, veil, now, you did goot busi
matched the judge's complexion by a ness, for it was only five dollars."
heavy blush. Seldom do the Allian-1 "No, Fader, I kept the ticket, see;
it has eight little dots here."
The old Jew scratched bis head,
and smilingly remarked:
"Jubilee. Jerusalem! 1 vill never
kill another fly."
Mayors Osbmbb
The Ru ruing Flame
"What would do if I turned you
down?" she asked shyly, as they sat
on the parlor sofa.
The young man looked straight a
head, but said nothing. After a few
moments of alienee she nudged hint
with her elbow and said: "Didn't you
hear my question?"
He looked around apprehensively.
"I beg your pardon," he replied.
"I thought you were addressing the
gas."
ce officers 'have such a difficult case
to handle and it would have been
difficult if this story was true, but
dear reader, I just had to fill this
: space some way and so entertained
I you for a minute by dreaming a day
dream of how I would like to have it
I were I the chief of police and a barh
! elor at that.
Lloyd's Column
Kereneky
The Slavs seem to be about done for
and, thensky.
We hear from the camp of the dash
ing Kerensky.
j He meets up with trouble reviver
Krakokoff.
Ami promptly proceeds to knock that
party's block off.
He talks to the rebels and they
shoutovitrh
And call him a sport and good scout
1 ovltch,
Cure for Cholera Morbus
"When our little boy, now seven
yeurs old, was a baby he was cured
of cholera morbus by Chamberlain's
Colic. Cholera and Diarrhoea Reme
dy." writes Mrs. Sidney Simmons.
Fair Haven, N. Y. "Since then oth
er members of my family have used
this valuable medicine for colic and
bowel troubles with good satisfaction
tn f wlujllv a. n Hnraa it uu u rom sr
They swarm to the colors and once' ... . .. oT.TZvTS
" . ,i riri)iiuiiiii iiiern I'oiuimioiu
moie i ney uowsm
And that is the end of auother Russ
rowski.
He's here and he's there patching up
everywhere. Adv aug
Herald ads bring results,
in the next issue.
Try one
