assesses
"IK THR RMOK FIT VOU
THRU WEAR IT
;
By
ADAM l MH
"X. Y Z " who had personal nd
rert isemcnt in the Herold classified
advertising columns Inst week and
the week before received two or three
answers. He called Monday and was
tix en his answers. He read them
here in the office and then handed me
one of them nnd asked me whether I
thought the reply was a Joke of whe
ther It was serious. I read it. I was
n't serious after I read it, that's cer
tain. "X. Y. Z." said I could print
the reply if I wouldn't print the box
number the writer gave. It was writ
tan by "A. B. C." and read (is fol
lows: Dear Sir: Noticing In the Alli
ance Herald your desire to jommunl
eate with some, good loosing and
clean charactered young lady. ' And
I am anxious to All your desire.
"I am 18 years old. I have Irish
green eyes, scarlet red hair. My
diameter is 68, altitude 86, base 66.
I am fond of wearing peak-aaoo
mists and skirts. Iam a great fav-orttw-in
all occasions.
"If I can give you any more infor
mation ubout myself I will gladly do
o And would like for you to do the
name. I also desire your picture.
1 will be the right one. I will Walt
in patience until I receive the ans
wer. I am,
at A. B. C.
I sure would like to meet this wo
man. She was either showing her
self tt good time (the letter looked
like it was written by a man) or she
must be some woman. Imagine 5
foot, 8 inches around 7 feet, 2 Inch
es tall with an understanding of 6
feat and inches. There ain't no
U;h animal j .
f Ain't hain't no word.
JHnbit is u funny thing for sure,
tfusi the olner day one of the men
who for years had been serving li
quid refreshments over one of th
Alltttnce burs, And who is still serving
drinks oVer the Bame kind of bar,
pulled it Kood one. It wan eight
o'clock. The curfew bell was ringing
"All out, boys, its eight bells," the
bar lender yelled. For a moment he
couldn't understand why (hey laugh
ed. Mtibit is funny thnig for
ure. .
o
I don't know as much hk I think 1
know, and i warn you ail who rand
this dope, not to believe all I say.
Now don't Idiune no If you go wrong.
o
The people of Penny slvn nls . accord
Ing to reports, seem to he exercised
over the abolishment of capital pun
ishment, and I'm not sine hut that
they are right; Think If you were
being 'tied foi a heinous crime.
- o -
Say, do foil know 1 actually be
lieve people read tins doe. The rea
son i thlnkrao is beoaaa several have
been i,i the Office the past week and
asked who wrote i lie stuff. They
seemed to like "The Klaer'a Pray or"
that appeared last week. )ne man
ranted to maet the fallow who wrote
It io he could shake hands with him.
I toi'i him to go ti Qermany.
o
A number have sent Hi stuff for
this Column. 1 wish more of you
would. It's not so much work when
aome one helps you. don't 'ha know.
o - .
Harry Hole brought this one in. I
don't know where he swiped it, and
don't care much, cause It's not bad
lit that. Tins little ditty is entitled.
'.'Peeping Through the Knot-hole of
Father's Wooden Lag" or "Who
Bpllled the Beans.'-" Here it is:
They were seated on the pink satin
Ion sue in bef exquisite boudoir in a
house not located on uapaved Bps'
Butte avenue rei alendar, white
hands lay tdlj on bar tap; on one giie-
tened a plain gold wedding ting.
"My darling:" ha murmured, as he
"kissed hot lOVelj rounded cheek. "I
can't bear the thought of leaving you
even for a few hours, we have so lit
tle time really alone, but that meet
ing, you know "
"But, sweetheart," she asked pout
ingly, "you'll come back early?"
"Of course, as quickly as 1 can."
The man stood up and walked over
to a table, on which stood a photo
graph. In a heavy gold frame, of the
woman.
He studied it Intently for a mom
ent, then kisses It passionately.
"You are beautiful! What a lucky
beggar I am, for you are mine. There
Is no one else. Is there'"
He spoke fiercely, ss he stride tow
ards her.
The woman closed her eyes.
"I love only you", she whispered,
as he drew her to her feat.
And as they stood clasped in each
other's arms.
What would be more charming
than this picture of connubial bliss?
For they were married, these two.
But not -to each other.
o
King potato is beginning to get
some of his highness peeled, so I am
told. I haven't tried to buy any
lately, however.
- a
If one's fingers are still crossed It
will be in orderto compliment Miss
May again on the balminess of her
meteorological raiment.
O 1
I was talking with one of the mer
chants, this morning, who keeps a
store on un paved Box Butte avenue.
We were talking about how some
people go to the dogs. The merchant
said, "Most people go to Hell because
of bad luck, few deliberately Jump
in." By golly, he's right. Think
about it. Why should any sane per
son want to get burned up during the
infinity of eternity.
I was talking to a socialist yester
day. Did you ever talk to a socialist
about socialism. They don't all see
it alike, Just the same as you and I
don't see everything alike. Well, this
socialist I was talking with said that
this country should be a democracy
of wealth and an aristocracy of brains
I guess his idea was that everyone
should be wealthy and educated, or
that wa should have about the same
of each, or something Ilka that. But
it seems to ma that if this waa a dem
ocracy of wealth and an aristocracy
of brains , then almost everybody
would consider themselves in the
aristocracy and somebody would have
to start an Association of Plebians.
o
When The War la Over
(An Irish Ballad written by an A met
igp who has been there.)
When the war is over, laddie,
Just take a tip from me.
There'll be no Oermon submarines
A diving through the sea.
For the fatherland of "Kaiser Bill"
The guy we're going to lick
Will have a brand new Kaiser
And the same will be a Mick.
M fMIWIMmuiH.'M,.i I
CjC TIMS, -!
1 III
I kssjBrJke4
The tablet form of this old
reliable remedy makes it possi
ble for you to check any tllncj I
at the very onset II i 0 fsjfc-
fuard atfsfaut cou b i, I
other catarrhal conditions, n i
matter what symptoms wo
manifest. Catarrh n an mtbimma
tion of the mucous membrane ti it
lines the breathing apparatus snJ
the digestive apparat is, PI RUN ".
relieves catarrh. lu tablet Ion i it
EVER-READ YT
Its prompt action i tat i il
valuable for men and .
posed to sudden chat i v
weather or compelled io bo ill
slush and rain.
It will also be found most h
factury as n tonic ! !' U I t-n
tack of illness.
CARRY A BOX
whrrvM" SBUgS, tYavstsn nwl thr com
pelled lo Uikr long lnvr in ihr cold anil
anyone wiimi urniiiuiion BublMHs hiai to
t he atSStW of midilrn colds n i) u a .- a
preventive with the BMurtxi that ihe
tahlrtf made are from the BM furouil tft
ufttlie liiuid medicine With Ira t iai uf
uocenii liefore tho Aiihi. MM iVaic
TV frfu CapnT, (.'..lumbi'i. oV
KING'S CORNER
OM A
On Draft j
THE OLD BUDWEISER
CORNER
is now operating under the name
"Ktufta Coruw" witli "Johnny"
foraierty mixer t King & WU
son's in charge,
0 M A
The rtefreahiug tnd NOn-intox-icatinir
lleeratfe on tlrafl ami in
bottles.
Oil A delivered anywhere in (own
at
$5 a fas. ut "ti pints.
$1.25 fi liate for return of ease.
SOFT DRINKS, LUNCHES,
CIGARS, TOBACCO, CANDY
KING'S CORNER
John Hodgkinaon, Manager
We'll change the song, "Dle-Wacht-Am-Rhlne"
Into an Irish reel.
And make the Dutchmen dance it.
If It's so inclined we fel.
For the police force in Berlin
Will be Micks from County Clare
When we put an Irish Kaiser
In the palace over there.
Sure in every German parkway
There will be a sweet colleen
An the fields of waving saur kraut
We will plant with Shamrocks
Kreen
No llverworstor sausage
When the Dutchman drinks his
suds
He will get corned beef and cr.bbage
And good, old Irish spuds.
The heathen guns and gas bombs
We will throw them all awey
And make them use shillalahs
Or bricks of Irish clay.
They'll wear no Iron Crortses
Sure 'tis Shamrocks they will wear.
When we put an Irish Kaiser
In the palace over there.
LIVE STOCK PRICES
AT SOUTH OMAHA
Cattle Study to 10 Lowtr;
Respectable Ritup s
HOGS ABOUT KICK EL LOWER
Lambs Open Slew at About Steady
Figures Few tales Made Esiiy,
Nearly Steady. Normal Supply,
Run Consisting of About 4,300
Hasd. Just a Littl Sailing Bulk
af Supply in Fens at 11 o'clock.
riiinn stock fanta, south UafadMi
Nebraska. Msy ttwd, 1!U7. The week
Opened out with a very respeelxWIe
run af iMit'e, receipts fOtlt( up 3N
load r a lieu i v.." it1 head. Itoth local
packer and sltlpitels Aceiueil to want
the cattle Mouday atul competition
wss best for the desirnhle light nnd
handy weight steer; and i ij ohJ
mostly ahoul s we'll m toward 'lie,
close of last week. Receipts of heavy
cattle, however, were fairly good and
buyers hsd a chance to cheapen up nn
these grades, their hid being some
whst lower than lat Friday. Right
good 1,'JOO to l.-t. ".it pen nil beeves sold
at $1 2AOO V2M Hint, the fair to good
900 to 1,'JOO pound beeves. Including n
lot of long yeHrling. sold around
$11.6J012.28. Strictly good to choice
she stock sold at 10.2ft11.38.
Quotations on Tattle: ;od to
choice beeves. I12.4O01S.2O; fair to
good . beeves. $1 1 .T"i I2,9fi : common
to fair beeves. $in.'J."4i 1 1 .."itl ; good to
choice heifers. H0.4OO11.40; food to
choice cows. $O.ftK01O.8ft ; fnir to food
cows. 8,780p,TS; CttnneYs nnd cut
ters. ST.tMtff : real cnjye. sn.itc)
l&M', .beef hulls. -:siruy-j:,.
A tulenilily IIIhviI ran of hofr
showed uf for Monday, arrivals count
Ing out il- enrs or ion heart, There
wns n very fair shipping outlel for
hogs UonrtaXi knd shippers bought
iltf R few hofs ut the Start lit fully
sternly prices. It w:is nrOUrd 10'
o'clock before puckers nrtil selterg ;
oould agrea On prices and bugs finally , 2&-2I-834I
moved on I Be lower imsis. Bulb of
the early sales were made :it gir.fi0
ttitxt. with tops reafhtuf n!.l. U Metlou A 1
Not enough bwduesa hml ha I be well Worth th
dona up to 11 o'clock III 1he hilllb
trade to give much of an Idup on the
market, hut what sales had bean
ma da were called slum! steady and
lis there wns it fair detnMttd, prospects
looked us iliniiyh offerings would tind
a steady outlet with hii week, i'irnt
Miles trtciiiil.il ininiii thai while iu
good tlesh ntnl not very heavy Innl
been shorn within lite last few dnys.
Thews were railed nlxati steady at
Kin.T.Y t 'nliforniii springers brought
! i '..'". with forty hand uul of fltra
leek shipment t S'rt.00.
Quotutlous on sheen mid lantha:
l.iiiuhs. wiMiiiii. ta292iit0i lamha,
sUoin. s i r. .7". ir ni.ist; spring lanha,
HT.004J l ..." : yearlihga, -I . IUUM
ii l "i lTi : wethers, sBom, lli.10fj 1 !.-" ;
eu.s. shorn,, S11.73Q14.0O; ewaa, cull
shorn, la.'ititl II.."..
Nome Rrtrt( tlon- Here
A Grand Island traveling man who
stopped over In Alliance last Sunday
struck a string of coincidences that
left him in serious flt of the blues.
And all because of a string of "no"
signs. He says that on wsklng up
in his room at the hotel he saw a sign
refuting, "Ha Intoxicating liquor al
lowed In this hotel." Then he dress
ed and wandered over to the Burl
ington depot for a guiet smoke but as
he stsrted to light his pipe his eye
fell on the sign, "No smoking allowed
hare." Ho then went to the bulletin
board to see how soon he could leave
town. But alas his eyes fell on the
words, "No trains" and he then lost
all hope.
iSnadrU olamn
The Kaiser's Prayer
So many requests have come to us
for the poem by an unknown writer
entitled "The Kaiser's Prayer 1 that
wo publish it herewith:
The latest ultimatum
Oott, dear Gott. attention bloasc,
Your bardner Villiam's here,
Und has vord or two to say
Into your hrlvate ear. l
So durn avay all udders new
Und listen veil to me,
Vor dat I say concerns me much
Meinself and Sbermany.
You know, dear Gott, I vas your
friend t
From mesa hour of birth;
I guietly let you rule de heffen
Vile I ruled o'er the earth,
Und ven 1 toldt mein soldiers
Of bygone battle days,
I gladly split the glory
t'nd gave yoii half dcr braise.
In every vay 1 tried to prove.
Mein heart to you vas true,
Und only claimed mein honest share
In grest deeds vot ve do.
You could not haf a better friendt
In sky, or land, or sea',
Den Kaiser Vilhelm Number two,
D Lord of Shermany.
So vot I say, dear Gott. is dis.
Dst ve should still be friendts,
Und you should help te send my foes
To meet deir bitter ends.
If you, dear Gott. vlll dis roe do
I'll nodding ask again,
Und you and I vill bardners be
For evermore, Amen.
But listen, Gott! It must be qvick.
Your help to me you send,
Or else I haf to stop attack
Urfd only blay defend.
So four and twenty hours I rJf
To make de Allies run,
Und put me in my b roper place.
De middle of the sun.
If you do dis, I'll do my part.
I'll tell the vorldt de fact.
But if you don't den I must tlnk
It is a hostile act.
Den var at vonce vlll I declare,
Und den mein anger rises
Und den mein Zepp'lin ships to vaee
A battle in the skies.
Dis Ultimatum, now dear Gott.
Is von of many more,
Mein mind is settled up to clean.
De whole vorldt off de floor.
Because you are mein bartner, Gotl,
An extra Chance is giffen.
So help at vonce, or else I'll be,
De Kmneror of Heffen.
--.. . . . .
DRINK HOT TEA
FOE A BAD COLD
Oat s smsll package of Hamburg
Itresfit Tea. or as the German folks
nil if. "Hamburger Brust Thee,"ataaT
pharmacy. Tske a tshlespnonful of the
tea, put a cup of boiling water upon
it, pour through a sieve snd drink a
teacup full at any time during tba
day or liefore retiring. It is the most
effective way to break a cold and cure
grip, as it opens the pores of the skin,
relieving congestion. Also loosens the
bowels, thus driving a cold from the
system.
Try it the next time you suffer from
a cold or the grip. It is inexpensive
snd entirely vegetable, therefore sat
and harmless.
LADIES ! LOOK Y0UN6r RUB BACKACHE AND
DARKEN GRAY HAIR i LUMBAGO RIGHT OUT
Use the Old time Sage Tea and
Sulphur and Nobody
will Know.
Gray hatr, however handsome, denotes
advancing age. We all know the advan
tages of a youthful appearance. Your
hair is your charm. It mskes or mars
the face! When it fades, turns grsy and
looks streaked, just a few application
of Sage Tea and Sulphur enhances its ap
pearance a hundred-fold.
Don't stay gray ! Look young! Either
prepare the recipe at home or get from
any drug store a 50-cent bottle of
"VYyeth's Sage and Sulphur Compound,"
which is merely the old-time recipe im
proved bv the addition of other ingredi
ents. Thousands of folks recommend thin
rrady-to-use preparation, because It
darkens (he hair beautifully, besides ao
'one csn possibly tell, as it darkens so
naturally and evenly. You moisten a
sponge or soft brush with it, drawing this
through the hair, taking one small strand
at a time. By morning the gray hair
disappears; after another application or
two. its natural color is restored and it
heeomes thick, gloity and lustrous, and
you appear years younger.
Wyeth's Ssgo snd Sulphur Compound
is a delightful toilet requisite. It is not
intended for Ike cure, mitigation or pre
vention of disease,
Rub Fain and Stiffness away with
a small bottle of old hon est
St Jacobs Oil
When yonr back is sore and lass
or lumbago, sciatica or rheumatism has
you stiffened up, don't suffer! Get a
2ft cent bottle of old. honest "St.
Jacobs Oil" at any drug store, pour a
little in your hand and rub it right
into the pain or ache, and by the time
you count fifty, the soreness and lame
ness is gone.
Don't stay crippled! This soothing,
penetrating oil needs to be used only
once. It takes the ache and pain right
out of your back and ends the misery.
It is magical, yet absolutely harmless
and doesn't burn the skin.
Notiiinp else stops lumbago, sciatic
and lame hack misery so promptly!
Office supplies at The Herald of
fice Phone 340.
Whooping Cough
One of the most successful prep
arations in use for this disease is
Chamberlain's Cough Remedy. S.
W, McClinton. Blandon Springs, Ala.,
writes. "Our bahy had wboopinp
cough as bad as most any baby out'
have It. I gave him Chamberlain's
Cough Remedy and it soon got him
well." Obtainable everywhere. m
Adv may f
TELEPHONE THREE-FOUR-OUGHT
HERALD
Classified Advertisements
Five Cents Per Line Count Six Words to a Line
No Advertisement Taken for Less Than 15c
sold. Inquire f , Berry. Room
Q IflltlW,. t(lr,ob l1i-,n KT., I. .... I, .. !
i -.- miui i , viii i m' ,-, 1 III i n 1
, . ' Phono ?t S o S - o 9 r
WANTED! Carpenters to work - i whether eneraved
W.A NTKD MAI. I-'. Illll'
nouncements, visiting
nn (Jo, eminent building at Ardmore,
S. I). Salary g&C per hour, tooiu
furnlahed; board about 75c per day.
Work now in progress. Address,
Ardmore Kield Station.
Ardmore, s. D.
LAND M ANTED
farm land', Must
In' well worth the money. tiie price
snd loeation when replying. Do not
card bom tar from town. Will pay
spot cash.
Address Box IS7d, eare Herald.
-'."-lt-8:S70.
FOK UKVItM?MS'
ROOMS' FOR RENT 132 Chef
mit! Avenue, Alliance, Nebraska.
4-lf-TiiS2
Lady
AKRON PAPER
cards, etc,
or printed the
Herald offloo will supply you prompt-
rule tvnewrit- ,y wi,h bJsJhelasa materials anil work-
FOU BALE -High
er carbon paper. The kind thai Kives i manship at reasonable prices.
Kn-
you a clear duplicate. The Alliance
Herald. Phone nto.
TYi'i witi 1 1:1: liimioNs
Nobody Will Deny It.
The ejuriesl WU to arouse a nisu's
tathusiasm li lo show bin a way to
gel money without earning it.
Lloyd's Column
tstmmmtttmtmttatxtttmtmmxtuxw
"A RaawnnabWs Amount'
An Alliance professional mail, in
studying 'he new prohibition law.
has found that seetiotl eleven states
that a man may have in his posses
sion in his private dwelliim a "rea
sonable amount" of liiiior for his
personal use. This citizen, who is
of a eeteulatlBg turn of mind, has
tl mired out that under this clause a ,
man of ordinary middle SgC would
be entitled to haw not less than ten
gallons of whiskey aii ha Igurea II
out iu this manner
"The Br4faar drink of whiskey
consists of two ounces One-half ual
Ino per year the ordinary man ex
pects to live twenty years longer
Would gtvu a total of two quarts,
equal to four pints equal Io aixty-fOUr
ounces Two ounces lo Ihe drink
would mean thirty two drinks per BALK TWO raeldaaCS propertiis io
year, m little more than one aver? sated M follows: Lola live aud six
two weeks Or by suiting down the in block six. Wyoming addition to
site of the drink aud saaking it one City of Alliance. The residences are
ounce he could tuv a drink ooealnemposed of five and seven rooms,
per week and a little left over." Theae residence ptoperties niust be
Purn'sbi i Room For Kent
preferred l i.one .".tj.
siltl9-34
Tut TrTx V
I.ari;e furnished front room. Ill
tjuirs Mi' Niobrara or phone 7 ft,
&t-!t-fSlM9
FURNITURE MOVED
MOVE FURNITURE SAFELY
We have equipped our dray wag
ons and auto truck with the latest
appliances tor moviiiK furniture
without marring or scratching or do
ing damage. Up-to-date wagon pads
will he used by us nn all moving
jobs. JOHN B BNTDRR, Phone 15.
J7-!f-59".0
At iomoiui.i; PAINT
TAINT YOUR OWN AUTO Foi
$: I will tend you snoagh of my hit
gloss enamel to paint your car. ln
poaalnle t streak or leave brusl
marks. Anyone can apply. It wil
make your car look like new. and
you be the judge. If not sutisrie.l. 1
will gladly refund your money. J, ('
MILLION, '1 58 Columbine St., Den
vor, Colo. lii-tf-818l!
wanSahtare
WANTED 100 head of horses for
past lire. (iood range ami good wa
ter AddrSSS. Fled Hoover. Alli
ance. Nebr Phone Birch IfSl, ,
Bl it .' u
KOlt SAI.lv HtH SKS
Ifo u sa le "a"t EUOIUS
FOR SALK- A fresh stock of new,
durable typewriter ribbons just re
ceived at the Herald "ofl'ne. Guaran
teed. For all makes of typewriters
Oliver, Remington, Underwood, L.
0. Smith. Royal, Smith-Premier, etc.
Phone MO and se will deliver rih
l,on. At ixioisii,i:s
AUTOS FOIt sXLKXcoted
land roadster and a second-hand
Ford touring car for sale cheap. In
luire at the Sturgeon garage.
graved cards made from old plates
Phono ?40.
SEED WHEAT
I have on hand a latge amount of
Macaroni or Durum spring wheal
l$t.96 per bushel f o. b., here. Alsn
millet at 1.50 per bushel. Can ship
promptly. BTEAVE MADBR, Edge-
mont, S. D. 22-21-8211- J
HAL EN ROOKS
FOR SALK The Herald Publish
ing Co., has taken the agency for
weatorn Nebraska for Adams Brot
Co.. Topeka. Kans., the largest tnan
Ufaetttre of manifold sales books in
the west Western Nebraska imi-
chante will find their orders for sales
hooks tilled promptly for highgradi
books at the lowsal prevailing prices
Ask our salesman to call for y ur next
order with his line ol samples. Phone
340.
FOk BALI
phonogra ph.
bargain. Oak
aid often.
for HALE
. - Nearly new Edison
Perfect condition. A
caBe. Phone 3 4 0, ller-
24-if-s:'. l x
The Earl Franklin Used Car Co.,
Of 1644 Courl Place, Denver, is sure
that each ar listed below offers the
unusual opportunity of securing
loipiI Used ''ar at prices determined
by the service each car will ghe.
Loalar,
MoHns touring oar
Overland touring car.
KH'i Packard 2-:iS.
Pierce, :'S. E pasaangt r
Packard Fi-IS 7 passenger.
Peerless coupe.
Alco touring car.
1917 National. 12 iyl. I jiass
National speedster.
Bulek 7 passenger.
Hudson ".4. 7 passenger.
Packard 1-88 touring twin six.
Marniou 34.
Fverett cyl. "i passenger
Abbott 7 passenger.
Vour inquiri by letter, telephone
or iersoual call will receive everv at-
rin"V" i i .. . I 1 H,n Prepared to roach i few
Ihe Kari I rankliii I n.1 t ar ompy students this summer Students who
' t m .desire to make up hack work or who
. 'desire to advance will tind this an
MoxkFto ixan on FAuRMS Hanl opportunity to be tutored
ZZ L.. y a regular certified and accredited
MONET TO LOAN On Box Batte I Instrnetor. Only a limited number
county land and ranches in the sand ' of be taken. Comniuni-
hills No delay iu making the loan 1 Wl" "'" i" . ,v""r "' vonv, ,,i
We inspect our lands and furnish .,, 1 ,,,I,H s '
tke money at once J. C. McCorkle. II
Nebraska Land Company, Alliance. 1
Nebraska. l-tf-554
FOR SAt.i: FURNITURE
Hottaebold furniture. practically
new. Complete (in t tit for home t'ost
t'l.ii mi i ... - - .
r. . vi in sen j or I 4 B mi
terms In reeponeibie parties
ittlre at Herald office
24-K-8331
s TI DRNTti l 'l l IhTk
easy
In-
PKRHOJIAL
I am desirous of getting in com
munication with a young or middle
aged lady Of good character who is
lonesome. 1 am 34 years old and
have steady employment and am sap
sMe of making a good home for the
niit party Communicate with me
"X. Y. .," .are Alliance Herald
Itl'tl-tt
I N rTATfOXsT
June will soon be ksrs If you
will need wedding invitations, an-
LUNCH EH, sAxiiwit hi:s, ETC,
I am starting up in business
again hi the King Corner, Thud
and Box Putte avenue. A good
piace io eat. Come in and
nie.
M. THOMPSON
sec
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t