Dakota County Horald
DAKOTA CITY, NIB.
Jehn H. Bam, - PublUhj
An upholstered pen wouldn't seem
much too good for the $11 hog.
Uncle S.-wn owns 1,500 hens at Pan
ama and he exacts every one of them
to do IU part nobly.
How would you like to be a perfectly
Inoffensive comet and be blamed for
all the hard luck everywhere?
The postcard business Is a great ono.
According to the overworked postofflce
employes, there are millions In it.
The earth travels nearly three mil
lion miles a day, and we are all of ui
more traveled than we had supposed.
The doctor who says love Is a disease
might go farther and tell a curious
world If It is possible to have It more
than once.
A Frenchman is reported to have
risen 3,300 feet In the air. From
"farthest north" the cry has changed
to "farthest up."
Ambitious farmers who were think
ing of enlarging the hen branch of
their Industry are now giving active
attention to hogs.
One of the troubles about getting
Along without .meat is that there are
o few other things to cat, if one
doesn't like prunes.
Barney Old field has broken several
more automobile records. One of the
good things about Barney is that he
doesn't try to break records in crowd
ed streets.
Sculptor MacMonnlcs has married
one of his pupils. This Is ah interest
ing variation from the habit which
culptors and artists have of marrying
their models.
"It's a pity nature didn't let the
dentists make .man," says the Wash
ington Post. With no two scientists
able to agree, a nice mess they would
have made of it.
A New Jersey astronomer announces
that the earth is stationary. He posi
tively refuses, however, to give out any
Information concerning the foundation
upon which it is resting.
Dr. Cook's wife complains he has
spent all the money he made on his
lecturing tour after his return from
Copenhagen. Had -nobody ever told
him about the rainy day?
Dr. LePage of Brussels wants $20,
000 for operating on King Leopold a
few days before that monarch's death.
The fee is probably based upon the
conclusion that the operation was en
tirely successful.
The fact , that the War Department
has decided to abolish the use of the
feather duster Is a fact of Interest both
to housekeepers and to those birds
which have supplied the necessary
feathers. The reason for this change
Is that the duster merely scatters dirt,
Instead of removing it.
An ungallant French Judge has de
cided that spinsters of 39 have no le
gal redress if they are Jilted, because
by that time they are old enough to
know whether a man is in earnest or
not, and it Is their own fault if they
are swindled out of their mature af
fections. This decision will be a blow
to the spinsters whose hopes are blight
ed, but whose thrift remains.
It has frequently been commented
upon that young women of to-day are
iarger than their mothers and grand
mothers. It is Interesting to note that
the gain In physique has Its Industrial
advantages. The telephone companies
now require that the girls they engage
for central station work shall not be
less than five feet tall, and large one
are preferred. The tall girl can reach
more plugs.
A philosopher of the open road pre
dicts that before the end of the Twen
tieth century a legless race of men
will squat upon motor car cushions and
the hard seats of aeroplanes like tho
pathetic figures that appeal to us on
treet corners with musical boxes and
contribution baskets. Every human
organ shrivels and finally disappears
In default of healthy exercise to keep
It nourished and expanded. Only a
tiny bone at the end of the spine re
minds us by occasional friction upon a
iard seat of the gratefully waving tall
by which our ancestors swung in the
ante glacial treetops. From the samo
period of primitive pastoral existence
some of us retain the wider space be
tween the first and second toe which
we boastfully ascribe to the post of
the classic sandal instead of the bough
eur ancestor grasped with prehensile
feet. The classic example of useless
survival of an ancient additional di
gestive pouch was the human appen
dix, until we discovered for it the high
er function of keeping the woif from
the door of an ancient and honorable
profession. Why should not the hu
man legs follow tall and second stom
ach invo the limbo of inutility with
the amazing multiplication of vehicles
for sick and well, young and old, rich
and poor, from street car to automo
bile? Already temptations to indo
lence beset us on every hand un:il
adult walkers have become rare
enough to be pointed out as antedil-i-lan
frea'. s, like takers of snuff and
male wearem 0f stocks. So far till
blessed children keep up the good old
fashion of leg exercise, though earh
auccesalve generation abandons it nt
an earlier agfl. Kven the bicycle, whlca
nee helped to keep the human 'e-
round and flr.ni and well-blooded with
Its novel exercise, has been corrupted
by a smelly g-.ttiollno addition. Wuu
out soma special effort In the crusad
ing spirit like that which Tesiored tho
noble sport of archery, our not remote
descendants will tee the last of that
member of mingled beauty and Utility.
Warfare agaiust disease, a winning
fight at many points of the long battle
line, nowhere progresses mora hopefsV
ly than where It faces that old enemy
of the human rare, consumption. A
cnnlady that was responsible for per
haps one-fifth of all deaths fifty yeavs
ago has lost much of its terror; ks
mortality Is only a half, or even a
third, of whnt it was, and Is still de
clining. Most of this advantage has
been gained through Doctor Korh's
great discovery of the tubercle-bacillus,
and consequent Improvement in meth
ods of combating the disease. But be
fore the exact cause of consumption
was known the beginnings of rational
treatment had been made. One of the
pioneers in the application of fresh air
in unlimited dosage is Doctor Tr.
deau, whose quarter-century of prac
tice among tubercular patients was re
cently celebrated at Saranac Lake.
This man was himself a consumptive
thirty-seven years ago. Believing in
the vitalizing power of the open air, h-a
went up into the north woods, and
there, living roughly and healthfully
in or rather out of a rude camp, he
made himself a well man. Then, In
1884, he opened a small, primitive san
itarium for the treatment of cases like
his own. From that have grown, not
only his own great establishment at
Saranac Lake, but hundreds of sani
tariums In all parts of tho country,
where sl.mllar methoifs of treatment
are followed. To these sanitariums
many a man who In the old days would
have been abandoned to the grave owes
his health and usefulness to-day. More
over, they have taught the possibility
of home treatment; also the facts that
fresh air, as abundant and unpolluted
as may be, is man's best ally in the
fight against tuberculosis, and that ex
pensive Journeys to arid or seml-tropl
leal rfglons are by no means essential
to a cure. No disease has In its time
worn a more terrifying aspect than
consumption. But it Is no longer "In
curable." It can be not only cured,
but wiped out. Care, cleanliness and
fresh air will do it.
A LOVER'S DEATH.
Aaphrxlntetl on the Et of Ret or
for Bride.
The cable carried the news to a girl
In Santa de Collato, Spain, that Fran
els Villeo, for whom she had waited
eight yearn and whom she had expect
ed to marry within two weeks, would
never return to her. Villeo was found
dead In his room at 290 Windsor place,
Brooklyn. In some manner the gas
Jet in his room had been left open and
he was asphyxiated as he slept. Eight
years ago Villeo, then 27 years old,
wooed the girl In Spain and won her
love. Her father, however, did not
think Villeo rich enough and refused
his consent. "Vt go to America," Vfl
leo told his sweetheart, "and earn the
money If you will wait for me."
Fort (fled by her promise that when
he returned he would find her wait
ing, Villeo sailed for New York. He
worked as a clgarmaker until he had
saved enough to start a factory of bis
own on Fulton street, Manhattan. He
prospered and saved, adding to his
bank account each week.
Every week, and sometimes more
frequently, came a letter from' Spain,
always in the same handwriting, and
every letter Villeo answered. Two
weeks ago he told his landlady, Mrs.
Ernest Morandez, that he had enough
money, and that he would sail for
Spain very soon. He intended to
marry and bring his bride back to
Brooklyn.
He returned home in the best of
spirits. He hnd arranged his business
so that he could be gone for several
weeks, had taken passage on a steam
er, and had drawn $800 for his ex
penses. He Bhowed Mme. Morandez a
beautiful diamond ring he had bought
for the girl In Spain and had talked
of his plans for the future.
Mrs. Morandez went to his room to
call him next morning. As sho ap
proached the door, she noticed tho
smell of gas. She opened It and found
Villeo dead in bed. The diamond ring,
in Its case, was under his pillow. Dr.
Murray, who was called, said he hnd
been dead four or five hours. In his
pocket was found $769 and in one of
the drawers in the dresser were more
than 200 letters from the girl In Spain,
New York American.
Aa Ioueatrnetlbla Sntkt,
Snakes on the pampas of South
America have many enemies. Burrow
ing owls feed on them, and so do her
ons and storks, which kill them with a
blow of their Javelin beaks. Tho ty
rant bird picks up the young snake
by the tall, and flying to a branch or
stone, uses the reptile as a flail until
lta life Is battered out. The large
lizard of the pampas, the Iguana, is a
famous snake killer. It smites the
snake to death with 1U powerful tail.
Mr. Hudson, in his "Naturalist In La
Plata," tells this BOtry:
One day a friend of mine waa riding
out, looking after his cattle. One end
of his lasso was attached to his saddle
and the remainder of the forty-foot
lino was allowed to trail on the
ground.
The rider noticed a large Iguana ly
ing apparently asleep, and although
he rode within a few Inches, It did
not stir. But no sooner had the rider
passed than the trailing lasso attracted
the lizard's attention
It dashed after the siowly moving
rope and dealt It a succession of vio
lent blows with Its tall.
When the whole of the lasso, several
yards of which had been pounded In
vntn, had passed by, the iguana, with
uplifted head, gazed after it with as
tonishment. Never had such a wonder
ful snake crossed Its path before.
A llouah (-rltlrlmn.
Lord Houghton's r Digram on -nnr.
Uello," probably tf.e most obscure of
Brownings poems, though It has often
gene tho ion mis. Is worth recalling.
Said Lord Houghton, then only
Dicky Mllnes, 'There art, but two tin
In 'Sordello' I can understand the
first and last 'Who will may hea
Bordello's story told' and "Who would
HatU heard bordello's story told,' an
both are false."
Marlitn Humor.
What are you doing there?"
"Tinkering up some old aulonyiblle
Jokes," explained J ho prss humorist,
"trying to make 'em look like 1910
models.
Always remember that you'll never
make a man love you by playing
practical Joks on him.
r .tf r :- 'fimmsR-- fr : NsC
m MmmmK. IBS
Mtmmmmi Mw AYf m
HATKVKU muy be thought of the mass of superstition and
t A Tl "pipe dreams" which
ff I aurl,,B ,holr thousands
V W I rnnn.tii houi. na a cnlil
derful brilliancy at periods of the world's career when there
were big doings. The three men who rank In the restricted
and ultra-exclusive class of world conqueiora Alexander the
Great, Julius Cwsar and Napoleon the Great had comets ambling around
in the heavens at various important periods of their careers. Halley's comet
itself Just tho same old comet that's going to dragJhe earth with its tail
appeared over Europe in 1066, shining brightly for forty days, and it was
hailed as a promise of his triumph by William, the Conqueror Just before
the battle of Hastings, while at the same time Harold of England regarded
it as on omen of his own overthrow. Comets appeared nt crucial times in
the lives of many other great men and at crucial periods In the careers of
many nations. Comets have appeared before terrible wars, devastating fam
ines, frightful pestilences and brilliant victories, from the days when Abra
ham was In his teens down the Rooseveltlan era.
And Halley's comet, during all these generations, has been hustling
around in space at the modest clip of something like 100,000 miles an hour.
This comet appears to the view of men once In about every seventy-live
years, requiring that length of time to move around Its orbit. It was last
seen in 1835. The comet is named after the great English astronomer, Ed
mund Halley, who lived between from 1656 to 1742, because it was he who
definitely fixed the orbit of this comet and who accurately predicted Its re
turn In the year 1758 after It had appeared in 1CS2. He died sixteen years
before tho comet returned, but by his prediction he established a fame which
will endure as long ns does the comet. He was the first to discover and
prove that the comets which come within the range of man's vision have
fixed periods of return.
He felt that he would not live to see again the comet now known aa
Halley's, but he realized If his prediction was borne out that it would prove
to posterity that he had made an amazing discovery,. ., He relied on future
CURLS OR CREST.
Little (prnian Tencher fared Noth-
IniC fur IVrnonnl Adornment.
In tho recent admirable biography
of Prof. Carla Wenckebach of Weles-
ley, her close friend and .successor,
Margarethe Muller, lias Introduced to
the general public a figure long hon-
oi ed for scholarship, loved for kindli
ness and smiled at for quaint and de
lightful oddities of character and as
pect within the bounds of the "College
Beautiful."
"Llttlo Bismarck," the girls some
times nicknamed the genial but mas
terful Gorman professor, .with her
short hair and serviceable clothes of
unconsciously mannish effect. Man
nish by Intention she never was, but
she had, from her tomboy childhood,
a curious Impatience of frlperles and
lack of personal vanity. She was a
girl of fifteen when- she wrote home
casually from school:
"By the way, I wear my hair short
now; got rid of braids, hairpins and
appenduges six months ago; feel very
fieo and ll.zht without them. My
frknds wail about the loss of my
'beautiful thick hair,' but what Is the
use of beauty if It causes continual
annoyance?"
Seme years later, in New York, she
received a comically apt reply to this
youthfully philosophic query. She
had applied to an agent to secure her
a position as governess, and was
promptly assured that if she wished
recommendation she must wear
more stylish clothes and change her
way of doing her hair.
" 'Tho essentiul ' consideration la,'
the agent said, 'not what's in your
head, but what's on It.' So I went to
a little Parisian, who knew what the
matter was even before I explained.
'If you don't want to take the trouble
to dress your hair every day,' she said,
'why don't you wear a false front?"
I was just about to shout a deter
mined Never! when she dextrously
put one of those curly things on my
head. And really the little Curls
framed my face quite pleasingly, and
looked exactly as If they hud grown
on my own scalp. Now If fortune
comes my way, you will know what
has attracted the fickle thing."
Quite certainly, after fortune was
attracted, the commercially Inspired
curls disappeared forever. All her
girls and her friends remember well
what one of them describes as "that
wonderful square head of hers, with
Its crown of short blonde hair, which
bristled up over her line brow llko
the crest of an alert bird."
For details of costume or coiffure
she never learned to care, although on
festal occasions she donned, with a
childlike taste for mere brightness, an
abundance of sparkling ornaments and
fairies of Btartllngly brilliant hues.
Her Interest in her own appearance
remained small; but to beauty in oth
ers she was keenly responsive. In
her last illness, when a lovely young
student friend came to call, she in
sisted that the girl's chair be so placed
that she, from her bed, could comfort
ably see the "pretty pussy" ail the
time. Youth's Companion.
Bores talk about themselves; g0
lns talk about others.
have become associated with comets
of years' existence, certain It Is that
matter of hlnlnrv. a unci red with won
NINE NORTH POLES
s 1
if"
h
: , .:. :'-:::
, v
" H-Jc rtis h . .
WHY IT 13 POSSIBLE THAT EXPLORERS MAY DISCOVER THE BIQ
NAIL.
The position of the poles Is not constant, and observations have proved
that there are a yearly counter-clock elliptical movement of some feet, and
a counter-clock circular movement of some feet in diameter in a period of
428 days. The first may be due to seasonal meteorological causes; the sec
ond Is far more difficult to explain. In view of these movements it is ob
viously 'Impossible for any explorer to set up a staff that shall, as It were,
lengthen the axis of the world and insure that it will do so for all time.
The fact that the axis of the earth shifts from time to time was proved by
Eeler years ago, but It waa only lately that the displacements were meas
ured with anything like accuracy at a number of stations. Illustrated Lon
don News.
FARMING IJiSITE CITY LIMITS.
Tiny I'l.it". I mv York Are Keuted
Out f ruiU l'uriur.
To oil) (arming within the
boundaries i vthe city of New York Is
a profitable occupation and that it Is
curried on professionally with a large
degree, of success might seem to some
an extravagant assertion. Yet John R.
Bowie of the soil division of tho fed
eral department of agriculture, a New
York letter to the Christian Science
Monitor says, has Just Issued a ro;)ort
on the farming possibilities of this
city, showing comprehensively that
the best agriculture In tho country Is
not only possible here, but carried on
to a remarkable degree
Within the city boundaries unoccu
pied lots and unsubdlvlded tracts are
rented out In small plots for market
gardening aud trucking purposes. The
majority of the, iaruis are of miniature
size, some one-half or one-quarter of
an acre or even only the size of a city
lot. Under such cramped conditions
It la necessary to do some crop mov
ing and marketing during every month
of the year. Even the midwinter sea-
j son the farmer uses to market his
generations to give him his due in lame, which they have done.. Sixteen
years after his death the comet duly returned, as he had foretold, from
which time the wandering constellation has been known as Halley's comet.
Since then many famous astronomers, including Clairaut, Ponteeoulant
and Laplace of France, have calculated the dates for the comet's return. In
1835 the comet appeared within a few days of the prediction, while this
time the comet has again kept to schedule.
Halley's comet isn't by any means the only comet whose orbit has. been
determined. The orbits of 100 comets have been accurately calculated and
determined. Of these sixteen have known periods of short duration. Enke'a
comet has a period of three years and four months, while Peter's comet haa
the longest period of. the sixteen. It runs to its perihelion at the end of
fifteen years and eleven months. None of these nearby comets are visible to
the naked eye. The great comets which have been the cause of so much fear
and trembling on the part of the Ignorant and superstitious are those hav
ing long periods of revolution, ranging from Westphal's, with an orbit re
quiring sixty-seven years and eight months to traverse, to the great comet
of 1864, which is calculated to return after 2,800,000 years. The distinctive
feature of the comet is the tail, although there are comets which are seem
ingly tailless. Pictures of some of the well-known comets show the remark
able variations of the caudal appendages of those heavenly bodies which
are neither sun, .moon nor stars. The comet of 1861 had seven brilliant tails
and several not so bright. The upper one resembled the wing of a flying
fish. The Cheseaux comet of 1744 looked like an illuminated porcupine.
The broad-tailed visitor of 1811 was notable for the two side stripes In
closing a thin veiling of gas through which many of the more brilliant stars
were visible. The most remarkable tail of all known comets was the one
sported by Newton's comet of 1680. It looked like a titanic tapeworm and
its length was 120,000.000 miles. Its nearest approach to the sun was 147,
000 miles, and it is due to return in the year 2355. This tail, however, was
surpassed by the tall of the comet of 1811, which was 132,000,000 miles long.
Beside these the tail of Halley's comet looks like a dot. It has been computed
that in all there are probably about 7,000,000 comets dashing around through
space.
But of all these millions of comets and of all the scores of these mil
lions which are said to have appeared to the eyes of men Just before great
historic occurrences, that which gets its name from Halley is said to b
one whose appearance has been attended with the most baneful results to
humanity. Here, of course, we leave science behind and get into the midst
of a lot of superstition, more or less distorted history and a vast realm of
the mystical; At that, however, there Is no question that Halley's comet
has been seen prior to some events of the utmost significance in the annals
Of the human race.
Among the great events of history which are stated to have been sig
nalized by the appearance of comets were the sacking of Rome by Alarlc
in 410, the overthrow of Attila In 449, the birth of Mohammed In 570, the
death of Charlemagne in S14, the Black Death of 1347, Tamerlane's Inva
sion of Europe in 1402, massacre of St. Bartholomew in 1572, birth of Na
poleon in 1769, invasion of Russia by tho Grand Army of France under the
Emperor in 1812, death of Napoleon at St. Helena in 1821, the beginning of
the Civil War in 1861 and the Russo-Japanese war in 1904-5. In additioa,
many sacred writers have held that the Star of nthlebm. whose shining
trail guided the wise aien from the East, was a comet. Chicago Record-Herald.
IN NINE YEAKS.
v
ft , -
root crops which have been stored
waiting higher prices and the fruit
picked during the autumn. With the
dawn of spring the spinach and rhu
barb start the crop and having been
disposed of at the city market other
crops follow in a steady stream.
The chief point In this Intensive
farming Is to utilize every foot of
ground to Its best advantage. The
onion and radish are good examples
of how t his Is accomplished. As soon
ns the onion develops the slightest sus
picion of a bulb It Is pulled nnd bunch
ed and those next It in size are givon
a better opportunity for growth and
development. In this way not a single
crop, but a continuous supply f
onions and radishes is produced.
lint II Majr turn To.
"I've Just thought of a brand new
philanthropy," said Mr. Du.stla Stax.
"What is it?"
"I'm going to found a home for x
billionaires who Impoverished them
selves by donations." Washington
Star.
When a man prolongs his hand
shakes with a modest girl it U apt to
maks her blush.
LIQUOR BILL FOR 1909.
Whlkjr Alone font Consumer Three
1 1 ii ml red Million Dollar.
During the fiscal year 1909, 116,852.
908 gallons of spirits were distilled
from grain In the United States. What
the value of this flood of liquor may
have been cannot positively be stated.
The output of the distilled malt and
vinous liquors and allied products In
the year 1905 was reported by the cen
sus bureau to be worth more than
1440,000,000. In the year 1909 1,591,
738 gallons of brandy, 610,305 gallons
of rum, 2,497,070 gallons of gin and
56,183,652 gallons of whisky were
placed on the market in the United
States. The total value of all these
products at the place of manufacture
was probably not less than $135,000,
000. But these figures In no way
measure the cost of distilled liquor to
the consumer, McClure's says. They
do not include the government inter
nal revenue tax or the cost of whole
saling and retailing the "goods." As
sold in the "saloon" at 10 or 15 cents
a "drink," the cost of whisky, or what
passes for such among consumers, is
not less than C a gallon. This would
mean that the annual bill of the Amer
ican public for whisky alone would be
much more than $300,000,000. There
are many who place it at twice as
high a figure because of the excessive
adulteration undergone by the liquor
for the purpose of Increasing its vol
ume. Soma lluoiulnir Town.
If we are to take the growth oi
cities and towns in the Dominion of
Canada represented by the provinces
of Manitoba, Alberta and Saskatchwan
there Is a wonderful future for some
of them. Wfnnlpeg, the largest city,
in eight years has increased from 42,
000 to 140,000.
Other places for the past eight years
show this expansion: Calgary from
4,900 to 29,300; Edmonton from 2,000
to 25,000; Reglna from 2,200 to 13.
500; Branden from 5,600 to 13,000;
Saskatoon from 113 to 12,200; Moose
Jaw from 1,600 to 12,000; Lethbrldge
from 2,100 to 10,000; Prince Albert
from 4,00 to 7,000; Fernie from' 1,900
to 5,300; Medicine Hat from 1,600 to
5,000.
In these places $47,000,000 has been
Invested In new buildings In the last
three years, and in five years their
taxable values have been Increased
from an aggregate of nearly $57,000,
000 to about $220,000,000.
Ton llurh to lielleve.
"I should like to be excused, your
lordship," said the man who hnd been
summoned on a Jury in England, says
Cassel's Journal.
"What forr
"I owe a man 5, and I want to hunt
him up and pay it."
"Do you mean to tell this court you
would hunt up a man to pay a bill In
stead of waiting for him to hunt you
up?"
"Yes, your lordship."
"You are excused. I don't want any
one on the Jury who will He like that."
A farmer came to town to-day with
a lot of errands to perform for his
women folks. "I'd rather take a whip
ping," be said, "than buy for women."
Mrs. Tellit Yes, the Is a decided
blonde. Mrs. Knocklt Indeed! When
did she decide? Milwaukee N'ew3.
"Little boy, haven't I seen you la
my Bible class?" "Not unless I walks
In me sleep, lady." New Orleans Pic
ayune. Ella Bella married an octogenarian.
Stella I don't think that a girl ought,
to change her religion for a man.
Chicago Daily News.
"What selection is that the orchestra
has Just finished?" "I don't know.
Sounded to me like neuralgia expresJ
ed in music." Tit-Bits.
Daughter Did you have to fish
much, mamma, before you cnuht
papa? Mother Fish, my dear, fish! I
was bear hunting. M. A. P.
"How much does It cost to get mar
ried?" asked the eaer youth. "That
depends entirely on how long you live,"
replied the sad-loooking man.
"How Is the water in the bath, Ll
sette?" "Cold, my lady. It turned,
baby fairly blue." "Then don't put
Fldo In for an hour or so." Pittsburg
Post.
He Why are you so sad, darling?
She I was Just thinking, dearest, that
this Is the last evening we can be to-'
gether till to-morrow. Chicago Dal!
News.
Professor (examining medical stu
dent) If you were called out to a pa
tient what Is the first question you
would ask? Medical Student Where
be lives.
"Splendid color, Isn't it?" asked the
fishmonger, cutting open a salmon.
"Yes," replied the purchaser, "looks
as if it were blushing at the price you
ask for it."
Wiggs How do you know he's a for
eigner? He has no accent? Woggs
No, but he knows so many ways In
which this country could be Improved.
Philadelphia Record.
"What did the poet mean when ho
called his country 'the land of the fr3e
and the home of the brave'?" "He was
probably referring to bachelors and
married men," said old Mr. Smlthers,
sadly.
"What do you suppose, Algernon,"
the young thing asked, "is the reason,
the ocean is salty?" "I am sure I don't
know," drawled Algy, "unless it Is be
cause there are so many codfish in it."
Success Magazine.
The Manager I've got a new Idea
for a melodrama that ought to make a
hit. The Writer What is it? Tho
Manager The idea is to introduce a
cyclone into the first act that will kill
all the actors. Tit-Bits.
"I've got to go to Philadelphia," said
the hurried traveler, who was fumbling
for his pocketbook. "Well," answered
the New. York ticket-seller, "are you
buying transportation or Just telling
your 'troubles?" Washington Star.
Bowers I understand that tho doc
tors have Just had a consultation on
Murphy. What conclusion did they
come to? Powers They decided that
the patient was not wealthy enough to
stand an operation. Spokane Review.
Ebeneezer Them skeeters makes m
think of them city visitors we had tha
week before last. His Wife How's
that, Eb? Ebeneezer They come pret
ty near bein' the worst singers and tho
biggest eaters I ever see. Illustrated
Bits.
Gladys Oh, mamma! Here's a note
from that long-haired pianist. He says
it will be impossible for him to play
at our reception to-night. Manama
What's the trouble? Gladys Some
one stole his wig. Chicago Dailf
News.
The Kind Lady You clear off or I'll
set the dog at you. The Tramp Ah,
'ow deceptive Is 'uman natur'. Fer two
nights I've slept In yer bam, eaten of
yer poultry an' drunk of yer cider, and
now yer treats me aa an utter stran
ger. The Sketch;
"They tell ml," said the innocent
maid, "that your marriage was the re
sult of lovft at first sight. Is It true?"
"It is," answered the round-shouldered
man, sadly. "Had I been gifted wifb.
second sight I'd still be in the bachelor
class! " Chicago Record-Herald.
"I hope you will be Interested la
yonder gentleman," said the hostess.
"I have assigned him to take you out
to dinner." "I shall be," responded .h9
lady addressed. "That gentleman was
formerly my husband, and he's behind
with his alimony." Louisville Courier-Journal.
Magistrate Officer, what is this man
charged with Constable He's a cam
era fiend of the worst kind, yer wor
ship. Magistrate But this mat
shouldn't have been arrested simply be
causo he has a mania '"or taking pic
tures. Constable It isn't that, yer
worship; he takes the cameras. Bod
ton Clobc.
"That Is a fat. . ms-Iooking en
velope. Does our sale.sm.in send in &
big bunch of orders?" "Not exactly.
That envelope contains a receipt ror
his last check, his expense account for
this week, a request for a salary raise,
and a requisition for somo .more nx
Dense account blanks." Loulsvlll
?our!er-Jturn:tl.
HnmiiK-rlim Hit- lll!lloiirl.
It Is Eald that during a strike of tha
billposters of Chicago a number of the
ater inantp'Ts inuie exclusive use of
news;mpir advertising to announce
their attractions and found that they
were draw ii:.; I '.-.'ger houses during
that period than whin i!i'y were mak
ing free lire of tl." billboards. Our
cities have had hard times trying to
abolish tho b!l!N!."ip nuisance. Per
haps a gener.-il r-aiiz.ttinn that bill
boards are unprovable as well as un
sightly would help a lot In having their
use discontinued. Hm-o-'s Magazine.
Ilei rrf 'I biiiu:.
Wife The 1 uidlord v. as here to-day
and I gave him the rent and showed
blm the baby.
Hubby Next time bo conies around
suppose you show bim the rent and
give him the buby.